Program Humor
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend replies “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American’s team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote “Beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “Happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time “.
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She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!”
Thesis statements could take on a lot of different varieties, however the major difficulty is you have to become capable of shield it. As your thesis statement will tackle kids, the main thing of one’s newspaper needs to pay attention to mothers and fathers. The thesis statement should tell the reader at which you’re using your reaction to the review, and open up the remaining of the review.
I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy??…”
She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”
Husband: “That’s it, and we are happily married ever after.”
Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"I’ve used Microsoft Office.
"I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I’M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I’ve changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I’m never at my desk.
"I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".
Women’s version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men’s version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to
avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
10. They can’t garnish what you don’t make.
9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.
8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)
7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!
6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!
5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won’t cry
sexual harassment.
4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your "Professional Attire".
3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.
2. It really pisses off the in-laws.
1. The only glass ceiling she’ll be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,”I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
A young MBA was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark.
— that was Leadership
Then he looked around and said, “Make sure the elephants don’t see what the rabbits are up to.”
— that was Management
During your MBA course, you probably learned that when you discover your company is riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount as quickly as possible. However, in real-life business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse.”
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead.”
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Q: What can we learn from this?
A1: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
A2: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
A3: Most importantly: when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Q: What can we learn from this?
A: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
I thought the word ‘service’ meant “the act of doing things for others.”
But when I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
I became confused. Then I overheard a farmer say that he was having a bull over to ‘service’ a few of his cows. Instantly it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those ‘service’ agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your Doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “An apple a day”.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “The patient is responsible for 200 percent of out of network charges,” is not a typographical error.
3. The only expense covered 100 percent is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them. And the Number One Sign:
1. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
• Microsoft: How much are you going to pay today?
• MTV: Loud and easy to spell.
• Saks 5th Avenue: You could shop here if you’re poor, but that would be stupid!
• Nike: Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!
• Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.
• Canon Photocopiers: Quit calling them Xeroxes!
• Apple MacIntosh: Hey, we thought of it first!
• Radio Shack: You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!
Notice: This department requires no physical fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions
flying off the handle
running down the boss
stabbing friends in the back
dodging responsibility, and
pushing their luck.
After attending a job-enrichment seminar, a supervisor decided that some of the suggested techniques could help combat his company’s productivity problem. He invited an employee to his office and told him that he now would be allowed to plan, carry out and control his own job. The wanted ‘satisfiers’ would be introduced into the man’s job.
The worker asked if he would get more money. The supervisor replied, “No. Money is not a motivator and you will not be satisfied if I give you more pay.”
Once again, the employee asked. “Well, if I do what you want, will I get more pay?”
The supervisor answered, “No. You need to understand the motivation theory. Take this book home and read it. Tomorrow we’ll get together and I’ll explain once again what will really motivate you.”
As the man was leaving, he turned back and asked, “Well, if I read this book, will I get more money?”
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now”, said the HR rep during briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria to eat, but don’t eat any of the other employees”.
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!”
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested”.
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company.”
Have a nice day, and remember . . . there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
1. Calls the first month of your relationship a “preliminary assessment period.”
2. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late.
3. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
4. Your Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
5. Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win.”
6. Decides to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
7. Refers to your date as “testing marketing methods…”
8. Writes executive summaries on your love letters.
9. Ends the argument you have by saying “let’s talk about this offline.”
10. Refers to you as “my co-CEO.”
11. Insist you do market research before getting pregnant.
12. Says your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
13. Asks the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
14. Gives constructive feedback to your dog.
15. Conducts a performance review after having had sex with you.